


I am already gone/  Kalbim gitti.

by felicityforeverqueen



Category: Sen Çal Kapımı (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love/Hate, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29210055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felicityforeverqueen/pseuds/felicityforeverqueen
Summary: My version of the amnesia plot, starting from episode 30.Following the chaotic end of episode 29, I felt the need to explore Eda's turmoil and pain. To write about what she is going through - understanding she is losing (or even has already lost) the person she considers to be her soulmate. Will she fight? will she lose hope forever? How can she find the strength within her to face Serkan's rejection of her?Prepare for tissues, this is a roller coaster of emotions.
Relationships: Serkan Bolat/Eda Yildiz
Comments: 23
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys,  
> I hope you enjoy reading this fanfic and that you'll feel as much as I have felt while writing it.  
> For a more intense experience, listen to these titles while reading it:  
> \- Already gone/ Sleeping at last.  
> \- Sen Çal Kapımı Müzikleri - Awakening.  
> \- Sen Çal Kapımı Müzikleri - Something about You
> 
> Leave a comment!

_ He is getting married.  _

He has forgotten her. Erased her. Left her at the altar, left her all by herself, alone with their memories. He has deleted her, like he’d delete an old design on his computer. 

He has forgotten her, and he had no intention of remembering her. She was not worth it - that much she understood with the way he had treated her.

_ Rince and repeat.  _

That’s all Eda could think about. 

_ He is getting married.  _

Her mind had completely blanked. The girls and her aunt tried to stay with her, to offer her support.. but she asked them to leave her alone. Hours after leaving Deniz’s bar, her eyes puffy and red from the tears she had shed, the vision of Serkan pushing away from her, looking at her while proposing to Selin… and Selin’s smile, all of it was tattooed on her soul. It was burning her soul from within, leaving a trail of ashes behind.

“How could that happen to us? How did we get here? How my life has turned into this nightmare?” Eda cried to herself, pushing the sheets on her face to dry her irritated skin. She took deep breaths, in an attempt to calm herself down… but it was in vain. 

All she could think about was how Serkan would be hugging Selin the way he used to hug her. How Selin would be kissing Serkan like Eda used to. How Serkan would be smiling at Selin with that dimple of his, the way he used to smile to  _ her _ . How… Selin would get the future that Eda had dreamt of. She’d wake up in his arms. She’d be the one to grow old with him…

She thought about all this, until she fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, her mind cloudy, her heart a destroyed battlefield.

****

"Gunaydin, dadacim!!" 

Melo had come to Eda’s room to wake her up, with a cup of coffee and a slice of cake made by Ayfer on a tray. 

After a few minutes, Eda emerged from her sleep, and sat down on her bed. The events of yesterday catching up on her, she put her hands on her sore eyes. 

" _Iyi misin_? Dada... it's going to be ok. _Eniste_ is going to remember everything, and he'll be so sorry to have caused you so much pain." 

Eda drank the coffee but left the cake untouched. 

“ _Hayir_ , Melo... It’s over… I tried. I have to accept that my Serkan won’t come back to me, _artik_.”

“Dada.. don’t say that”. 

“No, Melo.. My Serkan has died on that damn airplane. He is gone. I hold on and waited and hoped for his return… that he was alive… and he has returned! Against all the odds, he has returned… just not to me.” Eda murmured, her eyes falling down to her hands, her fingers caressing her flower engagement ring. 

“He will remember you Dada. Don’t say this. Don’t lose hope, _lutfen_.” pleaded Melo, with her usual cheery voice. But judging by Eda’s saddened eyes and tired looks, she knew it was a waste of time and that her friend wouldn’t be convinced of anything after last night’s events. 

"Eat something, dadacim."

"I am not hungry.. but thanks". 

“Oh Dada…” She hugged her friend tightly “I don’t like to see you like this… Please. tell me you’ll be ok.”

Eda let Melo comfort her for a while and let new tears fall down her cheeks. After a few minutes, she looked at her friend with some of her natural glow back in her eyes.

“Evet, Melo.. I will be ok. I am Eda Yildiz. I don’t shy away from hard decisions.”

_ “Even if I leave my heart behind”  _ She thought to herself silently.

Hard decisions needed to be taken. Eda just needed to gather herself up first. 

****

“I know this ring means nothing to you.. but either way. After last night, I can’t wear it.” 

Eda had stormed into their office, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. She put her engagement ring on the table right in front of a surprised Serkan. Without looking at the man sitting in front of her, she turned her back to him and went to sit on her side of the table. 

She left a piece of her heart with her engagement ring. It hurt like hell. 

Serkan didn’t mutter a word. But his eyes, his eyes were glued on the violet ring.

Eda clenched her teeth and fired her computer.

*****

It was almost noon, Eda had been working on the landscape of Mrs Peline’s real estate complex all morning. 

She still had some minor changes to make, but most of her work was done.

She glanced at Serkan, opposite to her, focused on his computer. 

Eda didn’t think she could ever get used to this coldness from him… Not after all they had shared together. Emotions threatened to resurface, an invisible hand suffocating her. but she promised to herself that she would not let any weakness show. No matter what. 

Serkan's eyes caught hers. He didn't say anything but his eyes reflected some of her pain. 

Eda couldn't take it. She needed a break.

Standing up abruptly, she broke their eye contact, trying to regain a semblance of composure. Serkan looked at her inquisitively, cleared his throat and pretended to focus on his computer again as Eda made sure to avoid looking at his direction while she left the room.

She needed a break. Yup. 

Eda went to Melo’s desk. The girl was apparently busy being on the phone with a contractor. 

“Do you want coffee?” Eda mouthed to Melo.

Melo pushed both of her thumbs up as a response, thanking Eda mutely. 

Preparing coffee was not much of a distraction, but that's what she had to make it work. Sighing, she went to the lounge room, behind the counter and approached the coffee machine.

She was pouring the second cup of coffee, when she heard Selin addressing her behind the counter:

“I see you gave your ring back? I guess you understand how serious we are.”

Eda turned into her direction. 

_This woman._

Hearing her voice made her skin crawl with disgust and hate. 

“Won’t you congratulate me Eda?” Selin continued.

Eda forced a smile on her face. 

“ I don’t think you should gloat like that Selin. We both know from experience, that anything can happen.. so I wouldn’t hurry in celebrating yet." 

“You just can’t admit you’ve lost Eda? Because Serkan doesn’t remember you. You mean nothing to him. Actually, I am starting to think that maybe you never did. Don’t you?”

Eda swallowed and took a breath from her nostrils, her teeth clenching painfully.

“Maybe you are right… but maybe one day he’ll remember everything. And I wonder what will be his reaction, Selin, when he’ll see how you manipulated him. Oh I wish I could be a fly to see this front line." 

Selin smirk dissipated. She despised Eda so much it made her entire face look harsh. 

“He won’t remember, Eda. And soon enough we’ll be married, as we always should have been - and _you_ , you’ll be a remnant of the past.” 

"Good luck with that."

Eda took her two cups and left the lounge room, just to run into Pyril who came her direction. 

“Eda.. how are you?” asked Pyril, putting a hand on Eda’s arm. 

“I am great, Pyril. your friend waits for you over there”, replied Eda dryly, pointing at Selin’s direction.. 

“Eda...” Pyril called, sheepishly. 

But Eda left without looking back. 

*****

**_To be continued_ **


	2. Kalp Unutmaz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I wouldn't make it to update before the episode airs - but I did!  
> While we have not reached the "point" of that story and the "key scene" that is still playing in my head - I am pretty happy I succeeded in updating today.  
> Enjoy the chapter, Enjoy the show.  
> And don't forget to tagg #kalpunutmaz. We'll cross the 1M!!

  
Eda was sitting outside on the terrace, enjoying the little rays of sunlight that warmed her skin and offered much needed comfort.   
The last couple of days had been very hard. She dared to believe that they were even harder than the first days she had after the plane crash. It was harder because even in that darkest time, hope still existed in her heart that Serkan was alive, that somehow a miracle had occurred and he’d come back to her eventually. After the first two weeks, incapable of going out of bed, barely eating, barely speaking to anyone, she had decided to believe in her heart when it said that the love of her life hadn’t died and that he was alive somewhere, waiting for her to find him and bring him home. That’s when she reached out to Deniz, she flew to Italy and contacted the best Italian private investigators. She spoke to local authorities, to the embassy, she did all she could to find him. That was her sole motivation. 

Eda closed her eyes, taking a deep breath of the fresh air.  
  
These days were hard, but they seemed now bearable in contrast to the present time. Life had become a never ending nightmare with no way of waking up to comfort arms. Her Serkan had been replaced with this man, who was oblivious to Selin’s manipulations and content with his life. This Serkan had forgotten everything about Eda and their love. He did everything to push her away. He, who said he’d fall in love with her a hundred times, had apparently lied to her and this thought crushed her. Serkan killed her with each new moment spent together where he didn’t remember her. 

Blinking the tears that threatened her eyes away, Eda took a sip of her coffee. 

“Eda?” 

Engin appeared in front of her and came to sit beside her.

“ _Evet_ , Engin, _ne haber_?” 

“Everything is going as planned. The constructor team will start working first thing Sunday morning on the Peline’s project. Congratulations, Eda.” Engin said heartwarmingly, taking her into a big bear hug.

His smile was contagious and brought a smile to her face.

" _Tesekkur ederim_ , Engin. But you know it was a team effort.” 

Engin looked at her in disbelief. “Yes, but you and I both know that this wouldn’t be as great of a project if you hadn’t insisted on it.”

“I am just happy that at least something in my life goes as planned”, Eda replied, her smile fading a bit.

Eda’s pain was written all over her face and small figure. Engin had been a witness to Eda’s autodestruction when they all thought that Serkan had died… He had seen the woman, who was the definition of “livelihood” itself, becoming a shadow of herself, a broken soul, drowning in a universe of pain. Just like everybody else, they had seen Eda’s fading away, not eating, not sleeping, unable to focus or to work on anything. Engin had hoped that this would all become a dark memory when Serkan had appeared again. It pained him to see the dark circles under Eda’s saddened brown eyes. It pained him to see that she continued to lose a lot of weight, Eda’s thin frame depicting the fragility of her own psych. 

“Eda.. _bak_ , it will all be ok. Don’t lose hope.” He put a hand on her knee, in comfort. 

“That’s what you said last time… Your words worked on me then… you helped me get back to work and hold it together.” Eda paused, looking behind Engin at the office. “But they are not as powerful as they were, Engin.” Eda said, sighing. 

“I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Serkan is not himself, Eda.”

“Or.. maybe he has become himself once again, Engin…” she murmured.

“You don’t really believe that Eda.”

Eda didn’t reply. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Eda sipping on her now cold cup of coffee.

“ _Neyse_ ”, she sighed. “Let’s not talk about the absentees!”, trying to sound cheerful. 

If one day, someone had told her that she’d actually be happy to not see Serkan, she’d have never believed it. But it actually felt good to be alone today, Serkan was running errands, catching up on the different construction sites with Selin and Pyril. She could finally breathe and catch her breath without all the tension. 

“Ok... Oh, also, Eda?” 

“Yes?”

“I wanted to ask you for the prints of the landscape for Mrs Peline’s project. I can’t find them on your desk.” 

“Sure. They are in my bag, I’ll give them to you.” Eda said standing up.

Suddenly a wave of dizziness caught her. Her eyesight blurred for a few seconds, the world was spinning around her at an alluring speed making her stumble on her feet. She instinctively grabbed Engin’s arm to prevent herself from falling.

“Eda? what’s going on? Are you ok?” 

Engin’s anxious voice sounded so far away, the only loud sound she heard was her own heartbeat, angrily beating in her ears. Engin sat her down again, grabbing her two arms steadily. 

“ _Iyim.. Iyim ben_...” Eda managed to whisper, her eyes closed, waving through nausea. 

“Erdam! Leyla!” Engin called in an urgent tone.

“ _Efendim_ , Engin _Bay_?” Leyla appeared at the window glass, followed by Erdam.

“Bring me water and sugar please! Eda is not feeling ok.”

A few minutes later, 4 pairs of anxious eyes were looking at Eda who breathed slowly, regaining some color to her face. Erdam, Melo and Leyla were gazing at her, all concerned and worried. When she finished drinking the sugary beverage, Melo took it from her hands and grabbed Eda’s hand. 

“Dadacim.. _canem_. You’re scaring us. _Lütfen_ , let us call a doctor, it happens too much lately, Dada…”

“ _Hayir_ , Melo.. there’s no need. I just.. I’m too stressed. And I stood up too fast, that’s all. Let’s go home...? I’ll rest and it will all be fine by tomorrow.” 

Melo exchanged a worried look with Engin. The girl was really concerned about her friend. She was the one witnessing first hand, how Eda was not eating properly, how she was not resting properly. She knew and heard the nightmares that were plaguing Eda every other night. The whole situation was taking a toll on Eda's health and she hated it.

Until now, Melo had put the dizziness and fatigue on the psychological pain that her best friend was going through in the last two months but now she felt really helpless. 

“What do you mean by “it happens a lot lately” _acaba_?” asked Erdam. Leyla gave Erdam a nudge with her elbow, silently telling him to shut up.

“ _Evet_ , Eda - what does that mean?” Engin asked, looking at Eda, Melo and Leyla- who was avoiding exaggeratingly him.

“Nothing.. I’m just more tired than usual that's all. Nothing that a good meal and some sleep won’t fix.” Eda replied firmly, looking at her friends stubbornly.

“What’s going on here?” 

Serkan’s voice suddenly made Eda and her friends jump of surprise. He appeared at the frame of the window, looking curiously at the small group sitting around Eda.

“Abi, Eda...” Engin began replying, but the woman put a hand on his arm, effectively shutting the man up. 

“ _Eda_ is going home. Melo, let’s go. Thanks guys, see you tomorrow. _Gorusuruz._ ”

She stood on her two feet, brushing past Serkan without looking at the man, who was gazing at her. Melo right behind her, gauging coldly at her "ex" _eniste_. Even as she left the office, she still felt Serkan's glance burning her back. How long would she be able to hang on like this? She didn't know.

**To be continued**


	3. A woman worth remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A much needed talk is awaiting our Serkan bay. Will it help him remember Eda?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, thank you so much for your nice comments and kuddos.  
> Stuff happen and it's going to shake our favorite architect!  
> I hope you'll enjoy this new chapter.  
> Comments and reviews are always welcome! <3

Serkan was sitting on his chair, his left hand fidgeting, his fingers tapping restlessly on the marble table. His eyes were lost - deep in his thoughts, staring blankly at the empty chair at the opposite side of the table. 

_Eda_.

The young woman had left their office earlier than usual and she left him with an uneasy feeling in his heart. First, he thought he was simply annoyed with her for leaving early. But the truth is, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and it confused him so much. The woman lived rent free in his mind, preventing him from focusing on anything else. Of course, it didn’t stop him from trying. Serkan stubbornly attempted to work on a drawing for the Peline’s project they were currently working on ever since Eda left.

But...if the amount of papers thrown in the trash under the table were of any indication - he was miserably failing at it. 

Serkan sighed and put his head in his hands.

_ Eda. _

Truth be told, he was worried. Eda hadn’t looked well, and he felt that something was off. She had avoided his gaze and fled the office in an unusual rush. The office was unusually silent, the team’s energy was down. He couldn’t explain it even to himself, but he felt that something was wrong. It upset him. A lot.

Eda… was a dangerous woman. For some inexplicable reasons, he reacted to her like a magnet. She  _ confused  _ him. She  _ attracted  _ him. Her power over him was scaring the hell out of him. He could see more and more what Selin meant by that. He could see how and why he had lost control in the past. Eda was his own personal mermaid: attracting him with her looks, luring him to the bottom of the ocean with her smart mouth. Making him lose control. And Serkan couldn’t afford losing control. He had to resist the temptation. No matter what.

_ “Evet ama... She didn’t look well.”  _ a small whispered in his head. 

Serkan stood up and started pacing in the room. 

_ Back and forth. _

“Leila!” Serkan called.   
  


_ Back and forth. _

“LEILA!” He called again. 

Leila rushed to him. “ _ Efendim _ , Serkan bay?” 

“Leila.” Serkan looked at her, his face with an implacable face. Leyla was biting her bottom lip and looking at him with anxiety. He knew that when he called her like that, it made his assistant nervous.

“Leila. Eda left early today. Right?” 

“ _ Ev..Evet _ S..Serkan bay.” Leyla stuttered.

“ _ Neden _ ?” Serkan simply asked, looking at her right in the eyes. 

The woman was purposely avoiding his heavy gaze, focusing on her sweaty hands.

“Leila. Why?” Serkan repeated his question, emphasizing the woman’s name. 

“ _ Çünkü...Çünkü… bilmiyorum _ , Serkan bay!” she quickly answered, obstinately looking at the ceiling.

Serkan knew that she was lying to him. And it both pissed him off and surprised him. He didn’t expect that his own assistant would be more loyal to Eda than to him, her own employer. It said a lot about Eda as a partner of the holding and the influence that she has had while working here. 

“Leila. You know something and you are not telling me.  _ Lutfen, AMA LÜTFEN ANLAT BANA _ . Tell me: what is going on with Eda that I don’t know about?” 

“S..Serkan B..bay...:” Leila whined, fidgeting in her place. 

“Serkan, abi. I’ll tell you.” Engin entered the room. Looking at a frightened Leila, he said: “You can go, Leila.” 

"Thank you, Engin Bay!" Leila shouted before fleeing the place.  
  


“Engin, _ne var_? what’s going on?” Serkan asked, frustrated. 

Engin looked at his friend and weighed his next words for a few seconds before pronouncing them.

“Serkan. I promised Eda I wouldn’t interfere - she wanted us to give you enough space  to remember her and the love that you two shared… but I can’t continue to witness this charade anymore. I can’t see this girl suffer anymore without doing anything about it.” Engin exclaimed, clearly angry. “Sit.” He ordered. 

Serkan complied. “Tell me”, He said again once they were both sitting next to each other. 

“Bak. She fainted earlier today and… from what I gathered it happened quite a lot lately.” 

Serkan swallowed his saliva with difficulty, his heart beating fiercely in his ears at Engin’s words. 

“Abi.. Eda is sick.” Engin started again. “This.. this whole situation with you has taken a toll on her. She wants to appear strong in front of you, she wants you to _choose_ to remember her but, I am telling you she is falling sick again.”

Guilt washed Serkan’s entire being. Guilt and pain. His heart physically hurt at hearing Engin.

“ _Ne demek_ ‘again’?” he questioned, fearing the answer. 

Engin sighed, his eyes sad. He knew that telling everything to Serkan would make Eda very angry with him. He hoped she’d forgive him for that, but as much as he was Serkan’s friend, he was hers as well- and he was worried about her.

“Serkan… You haven’t been here to see it, but when she lost you, she spent weeks in her room, refusing to talk to anyone, not even her friends. Eda refused to eat, to drink… She scared us all.”

Serkan motioned for Engin to continue the story with his hand, but stayed silent, unable to speak.

“This is not my story to tell, Serkan… but I’ll just tell you this: Eda is the strongest woman I know - and god knows I married a strong woman too.” Engin added. “But Eda...She found it in herself to get up, keep this company afloat, all the while continuing the searches for you even when we all lost hope to ever see you again. She never stopped believing. But even the strongest woman can break and I hate to see Eda fading away slowly, abi.”

“Engin… I… I”, Serkan stammered, tears forming in his eyes. 

“I know it’s hard for you… that you don’t remember, brother” said Engin, putting a supporting tap on Serkan’s shoulder. 

“ I am trying, Engin... I am trying and it’s not working!” Serkan murmured, in pain, his frustration vibrating from his entire body.

“I am not telling you this for you to feel guilty. Hell - Eda will kill me when she’ll hear that I told you all this.” He smiled, fondly, already imagining the brunette furious reaction. “But I need you to understand that Eda’s health is at stake. Hope to see you alive is what allowed her to survive the pain she endured while you were away… But her nightmare hasn’t ended with your return, Serkan." He sighed, feeling very drained. "You, not remembering what you guys had, it must be hard for you... but think that it's even harder for her because she _does_ remember your love. Eda is at her breaking point, brother.”

Engin stood up, aligned the chair he occupied mere seconds ago and turned to leave his friend alone. When he stood next to the door panel, he turned to look at Serkan still in shock, digesting what he had just learned.

“ _ Kardesim. _ .. I don’t know what you’re planning to do with Selin… but  _ bence  _ Eda is worth remembering.”

Serkan watched his friend smile a tired smile at him before leaving him alone with his thoughts. 

Serkan felt he couldn’t breathe properly. All this information was suffocating him. He kept seeing Eda's sad eyes flashing in his mind. He couldn't breathe. He managed to untie his tie and to open the first few buttons of his shirt, feeling compressed in his suit. Anxiety reaching a peak, was taking control of him. He knew the drill. _Breathe in- breathe out_. slowly and repeat. He tried to control his breath to calm down but with no success. His mind was playing Engin’s words over and over again.

_ Eda is sick. _

_ She wouldn’t eat or drink _

_ Eda hasn’t lost hope to find you _

_ She wouldn’t get out of her room _

_ Eda is the strongest woman I know, but even the strongest woman can break _

_ Eda is sick _

  
  


“ _ Hayir _ .., I can’t let Eda break. Not for me. I need her to be ok.” He murmured to himself. 

_ Eda is worth remembering _

Serkan stood up abruptly, pushing his chair away. He took his car keys and his phone with him, and rushed out of the office.. leaving his chair unaligned. Passing by Engin’s office, he mouthed a “Thank you” to his friend and took off with his car. He had to go see her, make sure she would be alright. 

****

**To be continued**


	4. Something always brings me back to you/ Ben buradayim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serkan comes to check on Eda. As much as he tries to rationalize his actions, and even though he doesn't understand why his heart behaves that way, he finally acknowledges that he feels the urge to check on her, to see if she's ok. 
> 
> Will it be enough to stir his memory?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> so sorry for the late update- life got in the middle and the frustrating episodes of the last few weeks have me in a frustrated state, that had me all over the place regarding that "fix-it" fic. I couldn't decide on the way I wanted to go, bc the writers of the actual show have me pulling at my hair with exasperation!! 
> 
> Anyways. Here's the new chapter, stuff happen and I truly truly hope you'll find it appeasing as much as I felt appeased writing it!
> 
> lots of love, see you next chapter - and feel free to drop a comment if you feel like it! ;)

Eda felt terrible. Terrible was not even covering how sick she was feeling at this point. With her aunt away on a short vacation trip with Alex, Melo - her dear Melo - was the one taking care of her. Eda reluctantly accepted to drink the dehydrated soup Melo had prepared, but couldn’t manage to finish the little sandwich her friend had added on the plate. Almost immediately after the first bite, she had had to race to the toilets and vomited her stomach’s content. 

Now she was back at square one. Feeling like shit, her stomach heaving.

Rinsing her mouth and washing her face in the sink, Eda tried to focus on her breathing to keep the nausea away. She looked at her pale and tired features reflecting in the mirror, sighed and left the bathroom. 

“Dada.. _ iyim misin _ ?” Melo asked Eda.

Eda sat on the couch next to her, covered herself in a small blanket. “ _ Iyim ben _ .. just a little nauseated. I think I caught a virus or something.”

“Do you want me to heat another soup? Or maybe I should call Ayfer  _ habla _ ?”

Eda immediately responded: “ _ Hayir, Hayir _ . Don’t call  _ hala _ . I can’t keep anything down right now... I think it’s best if I go to bed, Melo.” 

She stood up and immediately started to vacillate and lose her balance. Nausea hitting the young woman even harder, her vision blurry in the edges. “Dada!” screamed Melo jumping from her sit, catching Eda in time, to stabilize her. “Eda… _ çok korkuyorum. _ Maybe... maybe we should call a doctor. I am scared”, Melo suggested, her eyebrows creased with worry. 

But Eda was having none of it. “No… No.  _ Gerçekten _ . Please just help me to bed..” 

Once again focusing on her breathing, a slow and steady  _ “in...and out…” _ she repeated the mantra in her head until Melo helped Eda climb the stairs and put her securely to bed. 

The bed was so cold... Eda shuddered. 

“ _Dada,_ I don’t like that. Seeing you like this… something is really wrong with you.” Sitting next to Eda on her bed, she turned on the little light lamp on Eda’s nightstand. The lamp, an oval shape with a globe that turned around itself in the middle, was apparently a new addition to Eda’s bedroom that Melo hadn’t noticed before. Melo put her hand on her friend’s forehead and added: “I think you’re running a fever. We need to call a doctor, have you examined.”

Eda shivered and scowled tiredly. “If it doesn’t pass until tomorrow… then ok, we’ll call a doctor.  _ tamam _ ?”, Eda murmured unenthusiastically at the prospect of a doctor examining her.

“ _ Tamam _ ”, Melo accepted sighing at the stubbornness of her best friend. She adjusted Eda’s covers. “I am so...cold.” Eda whispered shakily, closing her eyes together. “I’ll go fetch you another duvet. Melo opened Eda’s wardrobe where a puffy duvet was stored, and added it to Eda’s covers. 

“ _ Teşekkürler _ ... Melo”, Eda whispered, snugging more under her covers. “What would I do without you?” 

“Sleep,  _ Dadacim _ .” said Melo quietly standing up. She turned the lights off, Eda’s room now bathed only with the blue and soft shades coming from the globe oval lamp and closed the door behind her.

****

Serkan parked his car in front of Eda’s house. A feeling of anxiety inhabiting him. It was twisting his gut, the apprehension to see Eda and see how she was doing, unsettled him way more than he had anticipated. Getting out of his car, he climbed the stairs two-by-two and opened the entrance gate of Eda’s patio. He heard Sirius bark and smiled to himself. His dog heard him and was probably waiting for him behind the door.  _ Good boy. _

“Sirius! stop barking, you’ll wake your mommy!” he heard _Meltem_ \- Melek's voice. 

Serkan took a breath and knocked on the door twice. 

A few seconds later, Engin's assistant and Eda's best friend opened the door. “ _ Enişte _ ? uh.. Serkan B.. bay?” completely surprised to see the man in front of her. 

“Melek”, Serkan simply replied. She blinked several times, as if to make sure she wasn’t imagining this. But no, Serkan Bolat was indeed standing in front of her.

_ “Gel, Gel. _ .” she welcomed him inside. 

“Sirius, _ oğlum _ !” Serkan bet down to pet his dog who was already jumping excitedly to see him. 

“Serkan bay..  _ Ne işin var burada _ ?” Melo asked after a minute.

Serkan stood up on his feet again and adjusted his suit vest. “I heard Eda is sick.” He hesitantly said. 

Melo looked relieved to see him. “ _ Evet... Dada  _ is sick. I am very worried.” 

Melo invited him to the living room. Serkan looked around, Eda wasn’t there.

“Where is she?”, he asked.

“She’s resting in her room.” 

" _Tamam_..." Serkan stood there awkwardly, biting his bottom lip nervously. He wanted - no - he needed to see Eda with his own eyes. 

“Serkan bay...” started Melo but she was cut mid sentence by the man in front of her.

“Have you called a doctor?” Serkan spoke at the same time.

Melo shook her head. “Eda doesn’t want to see a doctor.” 

_ The stubbornness of that woman!  _ Serkan sighed in disbelief, already taking his phone out and dialing Dilek hanim, the Bolat’s family doctor. 

Melo watched the man take control of the situation with amazement, her _enişte_ speaking very briefly and very efficiently with the doctor on the phone, asking Melo questions about Eda’s symptoms and transmitting Melo’s answers to the doctor. A few minutes later, he closed the phone and stated with satisfaction: “She’ll come in a few hours after her shift at the hospital.”

Relief flooded Melo. Without thinking twice, she spontaneously took Serkan in a warm hug. “ _ Tesekkur ederim, Enişte! _ Thank you so much, I am so worried about her!” 

Serkan felt himself blush a bit but still hugged the woman back, strangely feeling a sense of familiarity hugging Eda’s best friend, like it was something his old self used to do. 

Realizing she just hugged memory-less Serkan, Melo bluttered a “I am sorry! I forgot you don’t remember…!” and took a few steps back.

“It’s ok Melek…” Serkan tentatively reassured. And weirdly enough, it was true. He really liked this girl. He had come to know a little bit of Eda's friends in the last few weeks since his return, and he really liked this girl’s authenticity. She was the kind of person who wore her heart on her sleeve and he truly appreciated that. 

“I think we should check on Eda… You know.. to.. to make sure she is ok.. until the doctor arrives.”, said Serkan hesitantly. 

Melo smiled at that lame excuse, but she kept from pointing it out to him. Instead she simply agreed and showed him the way upstairs. “First room, on the left. Check on her and let me know if she needs anything.” 

“But...”

Without giving him time to object, she took Sirius’s leach and called: “Sirius, nefew! let’s go for a walk!” 

The dog, impressively enough, listened to the girl and appeared in front of her, his tail waving happily, excited at the prospect of going out.

“I am just a call away. I’ll be back soon.” 

Melo winked at him and closed the door behind her and the big black dog, leaving a confused Serkan at the bottom of the stairs.

  
  


******* 

Opening quietly the white door, Serkan entered Eda’s room as quietly as possible. 

Something was pulling him to the woman. He needed to see her, it was as simple as that. Just like how he felt when she was absent and wasn't sitting in front of him at the office, he knew he’d inexplicably stay restless and anxious if he didn’t see for himself how Eda was.

It was essential for him to check on her, that much he knew. He realized he had stopped questioning the now  _ evident  _ thin invisible thread connecting him to her. Eda was like a pulling magnet. The positive to his negative. 

  
  


The room was bathed by a soft recomforting shades of blue and gold light coming from a side globe lamp, the only noises coming from the sounds of the little globe that revolved around himself and from Eda’s strenuous and labored breathing. Her frame was hidden under big and heavy covers. 

Caught again with a strange feeling of familiarity, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest, Serkan came closer. Untying his tie, he looked around to keep a semblance of composure. The architect realized he recognized without really “recognizing” the woman’s bedroom. 

_Yes. His_ _“old self” has definitely been here before_...he thought to himself, perplexed. 

The room was so representative of Eda’s personality. The light sea-blue color on the walls, the drawings and photographs on the sides randomly put on the walls, the flowers and plants. He also noticed with bewilderment his portrait put up on the desk’s wall, the picture ruined with lots of dart holes and 3 darts on.  _ Someone had been very angry with him apparently... _ He shook his head and smiled with amusement.  _ She was so childish… it was really cute _ . He took a mental note to ask and tease Eda about it later when she felt better.

He came closer to her bed, not daring to touch her. He hovered over her, his heart nervously pumping in his chest, its echoes pounding in his ears. 

What was she doing to him? What kind of mermaid was she to him? 

Serkan couldn’t see the woman’s face, hidden under the covers. Pretexting to himself that it could surely be dangerous for the young woman to stay like this, unable to get appropriate oxygen, he gently and very slowly lowered the blanket to her shoulders.

_ “Damn… even sick she looked beautiful.” _ he thought to himself with wonder. But Serkan didn’t linger on this thought for long. The pale and sweaty face and the way Eda’s pupils were restlessly moving under her closed eyelids, filled Serkan with worry and concern.

She was running a fever. 

Suddenly his phone rang. The ringing of the telephone sounded louder than it actually was because of the silence of the quiet room and he cursed while looking urgently for his phone in his pocket, not wanting it to wake Eda up. 

Grabbing the phone, he saw Selin’s name appear on the screen. Without thinking twice, he put the phone on silent and rejected the call, annoyed. 

_ Not now Selin.  _

“Ser...Serkan?” 

Two tired and feverish brown eyes were looking at him, confusion clearly written on Eda's face.

“Hi…” the architect whispered back.

Eda blinked twice and swallowed painfully. All of a sudden, Serkan saw those two tired and feverish brown eyes fill up with tears. 

“You.. you’re not really here…" Eda murmured closing her eyes. "You are not real… Go... Go away. L _ utfen _ ”, she added turning her head away from him, her voice barely a whisper, raw and breaking.

Serkan’s heart shattered. Her words broke him to millions of pieces. The anxiety knot that had settled in his stomach since he had learned Eda was sick earlier in the afternoon, rushed up to his throat with extreme violence, filling his own two eyes with threatening tears. 

Not thinking at all, he sat down beside the woman on her bed and gently arranged a strand of Eda’s hair behind her ear. The gesture felt familiar... natural. 

“Eda,” he called her insistently. “Hey. hey. it’s me. I am here. Really”

He caressed her cheek over and over with renewed tenderness. 

Eda shivered under his touch. She slowly opened her glassy eyes and searched for his. 

“Ser.. Serkan?” she tentatively asked again, her tears running down her cheeks.

_ “Eda is at her breaking point, Abi..”.  _ Serkan remembered Engin’s words. 

Little did Engin know how much Serkan had broken Eda when he told him this earlier today. A wave of guilt and pain washed over Serkan. He felt nauseous. He felt like someone punched him in the gut at the sight of Eda’s pain and tears.

“No, no don’t cry... please...” Serkan begged, not recognizing himself at that moment. “I can’t see you cry... Please, don’t cry, Eda… please...” Serkan tried to console her as much as he could.

The young woman hiccupped and closed her eyes again while putting her right hand on his. She squeezed it weakly as if to make sure he was really there. Then she opened her eyes again, a fragile and hopeful look on her pale face. Eda murmured with wonder in her voice: “You are really here!” 

“ _ Evet…gerçekten burdayim _ .” He reassured her. “but you have a bad fever, Eda.. we have to lower it somehow.” Serkan added, his voice grave with worry. 

Eda whimpered. “I am… so tired, Serkan…”

Serkan felt a stab in his heart. 

“I know.. I am sorry… it’s all my fault.” 

Eda was shaking like a leaf. “ _Çok soğuk_ ... I am.. s..so cold”, she mumbled repeatedly. 

And then, it hit him without any warning. An echo. A flash of a memory.

He saw himself lying on his couch, sick with fever. 

> _ “Çok so...soğuk”  _
> 
> _ “Eda… don’t leave me… Let me come with you…” _
> 
> Eda was there, taking care of him.  _ “ Where to?” _
> 
> She wanted to leave him for... Italy? No. No. NO. 
> 
> _ “Wherever you want… let me go to Italy with you”.  _
> 
>   
>    
> 

Eda’s small whimpers brought him back to the present.  Serkan gasped, tears fell off his cheeks.

“I.. I’ll go fetch a small wet towel.. for.. for your fever”. Taking a deep steadying breath, he added: “ I’ll be right back”.

“Ser...Serkan?”

The way her small voice was calling him? It broke all his defenses. One by one. The fortress around his heart was caving. The high walls full of logic and rationality? Collapsing. Gone. Only Eda existed in his heart now. Only she had been there the whole time, he had just been too stupid and too stubborn to realize it in time.

Serkan knew at that moment that he would do anything for her. 

“Efendim?” his voice barely a hoarse tremor from all the feelings storming inside of him. 

He continued to gently caress her face with one hand and unconsciously grabbed and intertwined his other hand with her hand that was out of the covers. 

Serkan was overwhelmed with his feelings. It was like a dam had breached inside of him. Feelings flooded him, liberated and possessed him at the same time. 

He loved that woman. That much was a certainty now. 

He’d die for her if needed. He’d worship this woman day and night, he’d make up for all the pain he caused her. He’ll do all he can and even more to see her witty fire in her eyes, to see her spirit high again. He vowed it to himself. 

Eda feverishly looked at him, her vision was getting blurry by the minute. She was exhausted and trembling. Yet, she found it in herself the courage to ask one last time: “Do..do you remember?”

Serkan blinked his tears away, got closer to Eda’s face and sadly, shook his head negatively. “No.. not really yet… but Eda. Eda, I  _ want _ to. I really do.”, he added and kissed her forehead with devotion.

Eda lowered her gaze and stared at an empty point avoiding to meet his eyes. A wave of despair washed over her. “You’ll never re...remember us, Serkan... You’ll ne...never remember.” She sniffed and closed her eyes, fresh tears free falling. 

“Give me time,  _ bebeğim _ ." He begged her.

“I need to accept that… I need...to.” She stuttered weakly her voice thick from the fever. 

"I’ll remember everything. Just give me more time”. Serkan whispered back, his face still against hers, breathing her in. Her smell no longer driving him crazy, rather appeasing him. Her flowery smell made him feel home.

“I.. need… t..you”, was the last thing Eda whispered to him before giving in to the deep bone exhaustion she was feeling. 

“I am here. I am not going anywhere.” Serkan whispered back.

****

_**To be continued...** _  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
